Some times the things that frighten you the most are the ones that open doors to new worlds you would have never discovered had you not walked through the frightening dark to get to them. I am on day two of what has been a very long process of trying to be a new me, a refresher. I swore at New Years I would be better. I solemnly swore at Lent that I would improve. I have made it a constant focus of mine to try to push out the best version of me without sacrificing happiness to do it. Needless to say it is a day to day, constant mission. I started taking antidepressants two days ago. I got the prescription a week ago and it took me that long to build up the courage to start. You get prescribed something that in writing says you can't hack it, in my eyes at least, and it freaks me out. I am not capable of fixing myself and have to rely on medication? Well fuck it, Ive been self-medicating since I was 15, why stop now, just because I didn't prescribe it to myself? So far I am still adapting, but today, this morning, was a little clearer than it had been in a while. I woke up without the screaming anxiety yelling in my ear about all I have to accomplish before 8am. No nagging about going to work out because you haven't in so long, no whining about how much work you have to do, my brain left me alone today, for the few hours I have been awake.
I moved away from New York City on September 26th, 2015. I will never forget how painfully difficult that was, but also how liberating. I left behind many things that I still miss, but there are days when the clouds part, and I can smell the spring on the horizon, and I remember why I did it all, and why I left it all behind. I live in a place most people would kill to live in. The economy isn't great but nature and landscape make up for what it lacks in stable work hours. Who wants to work anyway? I also found out many things about myself when I moved here. I learned it's okay to feel like shit after a break up. Allow yourself to be swallowed up by that grief because afterwards everything will be ten times brighter. I learned you can fall in love with strangers who seem like the total opposite of what you'd been looking for. I learned that you may think a person or city makes you feel a sinking hole of depression, and that it is, in fact, something clinical that will follow you wherever you go-- if ignored.
I am still learning but my eyes are open. I am awake and I am here and it is now. I will appreciate what I have and maybe even go out and take a walk and smell some of the million flowers growing around on my island. My personal playground. I may or may not get the work done but at least I will be conscious of it today, even if it is going to be procrastinated like all other things I am assigned in life. I'd rather go outside and play today.
