When you're a child at family parties it feels like at some point you're drowning in the discarded paper from unwrapped gifts. I yearn for the smell of my grandfather's cologne and cigarettes and the scratch of his mustache when he would give me a hug and kiss. I don't think I ever got a single thing from him that I didn't like. I also miss for the years when my brother and sister were younger and so enchanted with their gifts and we had to hype them up a little if they were confused about the use or whatnot. The good old days when you made your parents a homemade ornament and they made you believe it was the most valuable gift they'd ever received. Then, after spending the morning with breakfast and presents you shower and dress and travel to see family, and dissolve into the backseat of the car as you take a much needed nap on the way to Uncle D's house.
It's very difficult growing up and feeling like the clock is only ticking a bit faster each year. I am about to turn 30, and I know I'm not old, but how long am I supposed to wait before fate falls into my lap? I am in a relationship now and wonder if it is the "one." As I do with everything. I wonder if what I have is what is meant for me. How long should I wait to have children? I'd like some sooner than later. Am I in the right place, am I being the right version of me?
A new year is upon us and I have been thinking about my resolutions. What is best to change or improve this year? My diet/exercise routine? How about my kindness and sincerity? How about my soul... it's been very tired lately. Should I be tougher, or be less hard on myself? Should I stop acting like a child and grow up or continue to hold on to the last remnants of youth I have left in me?
Life is such a confusing journey. You either have to live in the moment of focus on the future, save money or spend it on something that will make you happy, eat your cake or abstain because you should look your best.
I think my goal for this new year should be to worry less. Things, eventually, will happen as they are supposed to and you can't really do much to change them, only to make them more or less enjoyable. I do have so many things to be thankful for. I live in a place only many have dreamed of and have someone who hugs away my nightmares and covers my feet with a blanket when we share the couch. This year will be the year that I find my happiness and my inner peace. I also deserve to breathe in the life around me and not be so busy with my head down that I only catch the rain and miss the sunshine.
Love life. Happy Holidays.
-Hannah
