La Batalla

Cuando la batalla termine

Y el polvo se asienta
Y todos tus soldados
Yacía muerto en el suelo
El aire esta en silencio
Y el cielo es gris
Entre los dos no quedan palabras para decir.

Has disparado tus armas
Has acertado
Me dejaste en una niebla de humo
Y todo esta oscuro
Te has llevado todo
Y destrozó mi mundo.

Ambos estamos muertos
Ninguno ha ganado
Somos solo susurros
De lo que se ha deshecho
Somos dos fantasmas
Buscando un alma
Y me quedo roto
Y todavía estás completo.
Estoy vagando perdido
Mi bandera blanca esta arriba
Es hora de retirarse
Ambos nos hemos rendido.

Una vez fuimos mágicos
Una vez fuimos fuego
Éramos un solo cuerpo
Dos corazones
Deseo.

Los pájaros ya no cantan
Y todas las flores han muerto
Lo que una vez fue para siempre
Ahora es un adiós.

The Battle

 

When the battle is over 

And the dust settles down 

And all of your soldiers 

Lay dead on the ground 

The air is silent 

And the sky is grey

Between the two of us there are no words left to say.

You’ve fired your weapons 

You’ve hit your mark

You’ve left me in a fog of smoke

And everything is dark

You’ve taken everything 

And torn my world apart.

We are both dead

Neither has won

We are just whispers

Of what’s been undone 

We’re two ghosts 

Searching for a soul

And I’m left broken 

And you’re still whole.

I’m wandering lost

My white flag is up

It’s time to retreat

We’ve both given up.

We were once magic

We were once fire 

We were one body

Two hearts

Desire.

The birds no longer sing

And the flowers have all died

What was once forever 

Is now a goodbye.

When I'm with you I feel so much more me.

 I used to wade in the water, 

and take it all in,

with you I jumped off the edge,

I dove right in,

I could smell my future on your skin,

I could see your soul within.

Many nights I lie awake and wonder how we got here.

I have so many fears,

so many have left me in tears,

but not you, you dry my eyes

you've made me realize,

who I am supposed to be.

When I'm with you I feel so much more me.

My skin is bare but your name is tattooed on my heart

A brand new beautiful start

All my old worries seem light-years away

Every single day is now a fun-filled, sun-filled day

A day filled with music and dancing and laughter

I think I'll stick with you, my happily ever after.

 { To Katherine-?} Charles Bukowski, January 25,1976

you are like sunlight

sunlight walking around.

you don't know how good

you are.

you play with my seriousness,

make me laugh.

when you comb your hair

all the gods come down

from the mountain

and watch

you are the women

all women should have

been.

I ache with disbelief and

yearning

no matter how you turn

your body

or what you say

it is prefect diamond

the perfect cut

the perfect glow

and when you get the blues

I get the blues

because I don't want you

to get the blues

in my life

I've told two other

women that I loved

them

I wouldn't say it to

you

one of those women

died

and another died

in another way

if I never see you again

I will always carry you

inside

outside

on my fingertips

and at brain edges

and in centers

centers

centers

of what I am of

what remains.

C.B.

For Matthew, with all my love.

I couldn't sleep

I couldn't sleep 

I couldn't sleep last night

My head was racing with thoughts of you

Little flashes of memories of such happy times

Days you came to babysit 

that turned into evenings with you playing the Charlie Brown Christmas music on our piano

That turned into us playing monopoly on the living room floor with the lady with the perm who would one day be your adoring wife. She wore overalls.

Thinking about my Confirmation. You were my sponsor and were so proud of me.

Boogie kisses.

Your bucks.

Your wedding. I loved your wedding. I felt so grown up and pretty and fought with my mom to wear high heels and won. There was a swimming pool in the hotel. Your dad and Uncle Rudy spinning the ladies around like whirling dervishes with their polka competitions... let's see whose feet touch the floor less.

I remember Christmases and you always wore your class ring and it would clink against the beers you'd drink (Michelob)

I remember watching your graduation from Temple Law. Dad said, "suma fucking cum laude, that asshole."

Mom was so proud of you. Mom was always so proud of you.

I remember when your children were born and all the silly times we played together. I have watched them grow into two of the finest examples of human beings I have ever encountered. 

I remember Chris wanted to send a balloon with a letter to Uncle George in Heaven.

The last time we talked was when you reached out on facebook and asked if I was ok, letting me know one last time how much you loved me. You noticed, when no one else did, when I wasn't doing well. I will never forget that.

I will never forget the Simpsons.

My first mix tape of Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5. A CD of The Lemonheads. A CD of the Beatles Rubbersole and Revolver. I took them with me to Spain. I will never forget The Pixies, The Breeders, REM, Red Hot Chili Peppers. Letting me select from your music collection whatever I wanted. 

I will always remember all of it.

Chaos

 I wake up every day at 5:30. It is mostly by habit now. Most days I also open my eyes around 4am, for no reason, to pee or drink water. My life has become so drastically different than what it once was. I used to go to bed at 4am, regularly. I also used to have many more bad habits than I do now. When I woke up today, and went to make coffee, I looked at my living room.

The sofa is in shambles-- but I don't mind. I'm a fairly orderly person, and I overclean. Not recently.

My anxiety has shifted because of you. My 'manias' have waned. The sofa, torn apart. Pillows strewn, cushions removed, after making room to snuggle and watch tv, and intertwine with one another like a pair of headphones in a pocket. Ashes on the floor-- remnants of cigarettes smoked and shared, mostly by you, somewhat by me. The dishes in the sink don't bother me. You cook me dinner with so much care and concern-- I'll get to them. You fold my clothes the wrong way-- I promise I won't tell and will just fix it when you aren't looking. 

You appeared out of nowhere. Things were not all that terrible aside from the random tear-filled night, worrying about empty threats from my ex. You appeared on the street one day. Me in full Halloween costume and makeup, you in full dance mode listening to music that I now love on your Bluetooth speaker in the square. You gave no fucks whatsoever. You appeared out of nowhere when I called in the middle of the night after a huge fight with the ex, you wiped my tears away. Since then I've wiped away some of yours. You appeared out of nowhere when I thought I didn't need anyone. You came with me to the hospital when I needed someone to hold my hand. You were always there I think.  Watching in the distance, waiting to catch me if I fell. And boy did I fall. You wake up early to make me coffee and walk me to school. You do the grocery shopping when I am too busy. You go 2 hours by train to pick up a letter at the post office of my old address. You help me study for my driving test. You encourage me to be better. You use me as a goal to better yourself. You tell me about all the wonderful qualities I have everyday, you admire me, you build me up. You remind me of my strength and tenacity. You push me to push myself.

You are you and you are mine and I am yours and now I'm fine. I didn't need anyone and you appeared out of nowhere. 

I will leave the sofa cushions on the floor for now because I don't feel like I need to rush to maintain the order anymore. Things have turned into a beautiful chaos, and I don't mind. 

FOR THE RECORD THIS GUY WAS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE AND I WOULD REMOVE THIS POST BUT I DON'T WANT TO DELETE WHAT I FELT AT THAT TIME JUST TO ERASE HIS MEMORY.

 It feels like a betrayal of the highest form. Ordering Chinese food with someone else. You loved Chinese food. It was something I grew so tired of when I was with you that it had to be turned into a treat for special days or hangovers. I also put cheese on everything now. And we eat it. All of it. You would hate all of the cheese-covered food I get to enjoy now. And I go for walks. Long walks to nowhere with someone who doesn't moan at the idea of doing physical activity with me or going to appreciate nature. I have a constant companion who is really quite the opposite of you. He already has a few terms of endearment for me. You had none. Just called me, coldly, by my first name. He has already written me three letters expressing his desire and attraction towards me and my heart. He motivates me to be a better teacher and doesn't tear me down when I do better than him. He cooks for me. So many things. A lot of vegetables and cheese. He has taught me how to fly again and untied the wings you had permanently sewn behind my back. 

Soon you will be a memory. You've already started fading. I forget your smell and I forget your smile. It was gone for the longest time even before I left. Soon your hands will no longer be a thought that crosses my mind. Your blue eyes will not be the ones I see when I close my eyes. 

I will no longer call your name out in my sleep when I have a nightmare or say it, by accident, in moments of frustration.

I will soon forget about all the things I loved in you. But the things you lacked still linger with every moment that passes and I feel more fulfilled.

Your birthday, your shoe size, your way of shifting gears, the way you smoked cigarettes held between your first two fingers all the way down to the base. The way you used to blowdry your one inch of hair on top of your head. What a waste of time, I always thought. 

It's easy to forget about your coldness now that I am warmed by the biggest of caring arms.