Chaos

 I wake up every day at 5:30. It is mostly by habit now. Most days I also open my eyes around 4am, for no reason, to pee or drink water. My life has become so drastically different than what it once was. I used to go to bed at 4am, regularly. I also used to have many more bad habits than I do now. When I woke up today, and went to make coffee, I looked at my living room.

The sofa is in shambles-- but I don't mind. I'm a fairly orderly person, and I overclean. Not recently.

My anxiety has shifted because of you. My 'manias' have waned. The sofa, torn apart. Pillows strewn, cushions removed, after making room to snuggle and watch tv, and intertwine with one another like a pair of headphones in a pocket. Ashes on the floor-- remnants of cigarettes smoked and shared, mostly by you, somewhat by me. The dishes in the sink don't bother me. You cook me dinner with so much care and concern-- I'll get to them. You fold my clothes the wrong way-- I promise I won't tell and will just fix it when you aren't looking. 

You appeared out of nowhere. Things were not all that terrible aside from the random tear-filled night, worrying about empty threats from my ex. You appeared on the street one day. Me in full Halloween costume and makeup, you in full dance mode listening to music that I now love on your Bluetooth speaker in the square. You gave no fucks whatsoever. You appeared out of nowhere when I called in the middle of the night after a huge fight with the ex, you wiped my tears away. Since then I've wiped away some of yours. You appeared out of nowhere when I thought I didn't need anyone. You came with me to the hospital when I needed someone to hold my hand. You were always there I think.  Watching in the distance, waiting to catch me if I fell. And boy did I fall. You wake up early to make me coffee and walk me to school. You do the grocery shopping when I am too busy. You go 2 hours by train to pick up a letter at the post office of my old address. You help me study for my driving test. You encourage me to be better. You use me as a goal to better yourself. You tell me about all the wonderful qualities I have everyday, you admire me, you build me up. You remind me of my strength and tenacity. You push me to push myself.

You are you and you are mine and I am yours and now I'm fine. I didn't need anyone and you appeared out of nowhere. 

I will leave the sofa cushions on the floor for now because I don't feel like I need to rush to maintain the order anymore. Things have turned into a beautiful chaos, and I don't mind. 

FOR THE RECORD THIS GUY WAS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE AND I WOULD REMOVE THIS POST BUT I DON'T WANT TO DELETE WHAT I FELT AT THAT TIME JUST TO ERASE HIS MEMORY.